Do I belong in grad school?

When people ask me what I do, I usually say that I’m a social scientist. I’m in public health and I am a social worker and researcher. Human behavior is my favorite fascination. Most of the people that I know on this platform met me along the way in one of the positions that I have held in those fields.

Here is something that many people don’t know about me- I quit college. Twice. Long before I made it to grad school, I thought that I was awful at learning and didn’t belong there.

I went to a fine-arts high school, and I was a great student. I struggled with math and some science and an undiagnosed learning disability, but I did ok and got through it all. I was expected to go to college, and I did. My grandparents and great-grandparents had immigrated to this country so that I would have these advantages, and there was no question that it was an expectation. So I went. I was a mess. I didn’t belong- I wasn’t a sorority type, or a band member, and I wasn’t into sports. I partied, skated through some classes, then thought- well, maybe I’m in the wrong place! I quit the private liberal arts university, and decided to give it a try at a big public university. I lasted about a year before I quit again and took off on a performance tour. I had no intention of going back.

College as an Adult

It was years before I gave it another shot. A friend convinced me to tour a night-school program and consider a psychology class, and I enrolled that night when the tour got me lit up about interesting ideas for the first time in a long time. Going back to school as an adult was a completely different experience.

I was older than the average college student and had been out of college and working as a performer in the real world, with bills to pay and everything, but night classes had lots of people who were my age or older, all of us testing out new pathways towards careers.

I wish I had known...

In hindsight, I wish that I had done a bit more exploring and learned a bit more about career options before starting in grad school

. I jumped into a great program in counseling psychology, and graduated with very little struggle, but the career path was not what I had hoped it to be. No one had introduced me to the range of options that might have been possibilities for me. I had no idea what questions I should have asked.

Even though I landed a good job after graduation, it turns out that I did not like being a family therapist. I managed to move into an admin position and discovered that I really did love program management and community building. I thrived in the job, right up until the layoffs happened. I was crushed. After floundering around for a bit and losing more than one job to a person with a PhD, I decided that I needed one of those.

I spent years as a college professor- and I loved it. I had great mentors that helped me understand the labyrinthine and bizarre rules of academia, faculty self-governance, and how to package my work to make sense to reviewers not in my field. I learned about budgets that keep universities running, grantwriting, project direction, hiring practices, admissions, and leadership.

After I made it through tenure, after years of mentoring students, leading committees, writing and managing grants and research, after years of teaching and publishing- I had an opportunity to return to non-profit to make an impact in an area that meant a lot to me. I made the jump out of academia into a job that I positively loved, building community coalitions to address healthcare access for diverse communities. It was awesome. Until the layoffs happened.

This time, I decided to make the leap into building my own business.

When I think back on my time in academia, I now recognize all of the code-switching that I learned, all the rules that I learned to recognize- and the ones that I decided to break. I reflect back on finding what it means to represent yourself authentically in environments that are not made for you, without compromising your integrity.

How do I find a mentor?

If you are wondering whether you belong, have wondered what to do when your mentor turns out to be the wrong person, or why you can’t get your paper over the finish line, I’ve got you. I’ve been there. 

Step back and re-focus on the things that matter to you. 

Introduce yourself to that faculty member who studies the cool thing that you are interested in- I promise you- faculty love talking about their own work, and very few people ask about it!

Keep it in perspective and remember that you are saying no to something every time that you say yes to something else. 

Reach out for help when you need it- you are not alone.